Feuer Frei - Rammstein

You'd think I'd have learned this a long time ago. Germany can be seriously mean when they want to. If that World War II thing didn't tip me off, then the German cannibal guy should have. And if all that failed, I maybe shoulda just checked my personal history - with regards to my worst two marks at Acadia.

For those who don't speak German, the only language that can make 'butterfly' sound like a sub-machine gun ('Schmetterling'), the song title means "Fire Free", or "Fire at Will". After burying all 4 penalty kicks they had to take, the Germans certainly had all guns a-blazing against my Argentines. The real firing is going to have to take place for the baby-blue-and-white though, since the coach's decision to pull Crespo AND Riquelme was, oh... what's the word... fichen lächerlich.

Now to look for the positives. First, I used to be a Germany fan. So, really, if it had to happen, Germany's not a bad team to do it. Second, when I (theoretically) search for articles and use the words "Argentina", "struggle" and "failure", I now will get tonnes of awesome football articles to distract me. Third, I can retire my Argentina t-shirt back to the wall, where - really - it looks very good.

Now to choose who to cheer for next... umm.... Germany? Ukraine? England? Ugh. I should probably just stick to Cricket.

Germany it is. Deutchland uber alles.

EDIT: Sports Illustrated is reporting that the Argentine coach stepped down following the game. What. A. Shocker.

ABC, 123 - The Jackson 5

Counting my blessings? How Catholic of me.
Gone from "What I Got" to my A B C.
This alphabet pile may seem thrown together
But it's got it all, friends, sports, food, weather.

A's Ange and Ali, could there be any doubt?
They're simply quite tops, day in and day out.

B is for baseball, bananas and bikes.
One watching, one eating, one my fitness likes.

C is for Cricket, not the sport or the bugs,
But rather the one who eschews lame e-hugs.

D is for disc, both compact and plastic,
Givin' great tunes and catches fantastic.

E is for Edmonton, thanks to the Oilers.
(Damn you Cam Ward, and Carolina dream spoilers)

F is for futbol, let's go Argentina!
Once you guys beat Germany, I'll laugh like a hyena.

G is for grants, there's simply the best.
At the office at nine? Forget it! More rest...

H is for Hoult, who's probably pissed
That he got beaten by Cricket for 'C' on this list.

I is for ice cream, oh wait, I lie.
Im lactose intolerant. Thanks for nothing, Big Guy.

J is for Jackson and jumping in rain,
She sings better, bikes faster and picks on my brain.

K's for kilometers, three thirty-seven.
The pounds theoretically fall like manna from heaven.

L is for Leah, Pink Princess Sarcastic.
I'm also her bitch in matters scholastic.

M's for MacDonald, or maybe just Matt.
He does the dishes. What up with THAT?

N's for Newfoundland, and b'y am I PUMPED?
Grand Falls, then sea squalls, then on George Street slumped.

O is for... office? The one Poli Sci?
It has no windows so we can't jump out and die.

P is for pubs, both Library and Paddy.
Also to Pyrcz, my thesis sugar-daddy.

Q is for queues, the ones filled with killers.
(Really I'm just using some Izzard for filler)

R is for RUM! The coconut kind!
Drink it straight, or with Coke, any way you can find.

S is for squash, and as one suspects,
it's also for sleeping. Just sleeping. Not sex.

T is for Toronto! Home of the Jays!
Not to mention high levels of cancerous UV rays!

U is for useless, cuz' really, this letter?
Nothing to contribute. Bread mould could do better.

V is for variables, like those that I'd have found
For my effing thesis, if I got it off the ground.

W's Westjet, world's best coroporation.
Free flights? Comfy chairs? Newfie vacation!

X is for excess, the stuff I get free!
Senate gives cookies, and Eastlink TV!

Y is for yachts, taught by Admiral Ian,
Who counselled "Yes drinking, No European!"

Z is the last one, and it goes to Zzzzz.
None of which I get, since I stay up past 3.

Well that's all he wrote, and it's time for bed.
Though that was my goal before rhymes filled my head.
So now there's an update, you've all recieved mention.
Now please excuse me: dreams need my attention.

Me Like Hockey - Arrogant Worms

I'm disappointed that Edmonton didn't win. They would have been only the 2nd team in NHL history to win the Cup with no players on their team having won before. (The other was the 1980 NY Islanders).

However: I can't be mad at Carolina for bringing it home, in the same way I couldn't be mad at Tampa Bay. Look at Rod Brind'Amour right there. That guy has been in the NHL 17 seasons, 6 of them with Carolina. That's his first Cup. Watching the video of this Canadian warrior raising the Cup and then pumping the 36.8 pound trophy while screaming out pure, wordless euphoria.

Kevyn Adams? Former Leaf, well done there. Cam Ward? Rookie goaltender who was brilliant at times and has been declared either a cyborg or a pure robot. Well done indeed. Glen Wesley? The last Hartford Whaler left to see the day and still be playing? 18 years - and he gets to raise it.

What I'm saying is simple: hockey's the greatest sport in the world, and when it comes down to it in the end, as hard as it is to see the Cup play second fiddle to Nascar, for the players on the Hurricanes, it means exactly what it should... one hell of a lot.

Well done, Carolina Hurricanes.
Edmonton, thanks for the ride.

What I Got - Sublime

What do I got? Aside from atrocious grammar?

I got the best friends I've ever had.
I got the best family I've ever heard of.
I got the best reason to stay up until 3am I could've ever imagined.
I got the best summer of my life so far and planned, besting even Australia.
I got very little done on my thesis.
I got the best health routine I've had in a while (please take no note of food at hockey games).
I got sports worth watching.
I got a neighbour who makes me happier every single bloody day.
I got a brother who's proving to be keen on sports as I am.
I got a roommate I get along with who does dishes.
I got profs who give a damn.
I got good food every Thursday and whenever red peppers are on sale.
I got new music that I like listening to.
I got to shave today.
I got a mom who both likes being called and I like calling.
I got Dean's List, baby.
I got a 6-5 record in Scrabble, a 2-1 record in chess and a 1-0 record in Stratego.
I got my ass kicked in Cribbage. A lot.
I got an awesome sister who's keeping the Rivers record of spirit alive and well.
I got another awesome sister who hasn't stopped making me laugh in ages.
I got disc to chase, lakes to swim, roads to bike, squash to play.
I got Ian back, Angela for the summer, Colin for e-drinking.
I got a dad who's finally going to take some time off.
I got someone I'm happy waiting for.
I got me.
I got life.
I got a HUGE sentimental streak.
I got to do some fucking work...

Seven Days - Craig David

Well... we're back to Raleigh for Game 7 of the Cup Finals.

Ian and I, having watched Edmonton squeeze out victory in game five, decided to follow as much of the same routine as we could for game six. First was to the liquor store to be the right kind of beverage for the evening: A Rickard's Tasters 12-pack, with free glass.

Next step was ensuring that we were both wearing out jerseys, and that the 3rd 'spare' jersey was displayed on the same table in the corner. Broadcast starts, I had to sing the American anthem but not the Canadian one, and make sure I didn't have anything to drink during the anthems.

Then, once the game began, we each had to have the same kind of beer we'd had to start the last game. For him, Rickard's Pale, for I, Rickard's Red. Then, once those had been finished, it was the same ones for each of us next. To him, the Honey Brown. To I, a Pale. Then complete the trifecta in the 3rd - to him a Red, to I a Honey Brown.

Bizarre? Edmonton wins 4-0. Jussi gets his first shutout, game seven is nigh, and if you think Ian and I are drinking anything other than Rickard's in that order on Monday evening, you're bat-crazy.

Calling You - Aqua

Hm. The last time I was able to hold a conversation on the phone that went more than two hours was to Mastercard, when roughly 1 hour and 58 minutes of that was spent listening to a tape of how to increase my credit limit, Mozart's finest and occasional crackles as a person picked up the phone, heard I was still there, and simply pressed 'HOLD' out of panic at having to perhaps deal with a live client.

So that may not count.

Man... am I glad that I have unlimited long distance in this hosue.

Into the West - Annie Lennox

Fernando Pisani - Little Italy, as I've nicknamed him - has given hope to all of us Canadian hockey fans who want to see Lord Stanley's mug NOT reside in a state more dedicated to Nascar and hush puppies than Zambonis and rink rats. In overtime, with Steve Staios in the box, Pisani picked off an errant Eric Staal pass and raced in, before lasering a shot over Ward's glove into the far upper corner. Game, Edmonton. 4-3. Ensue pandemonium.

I don't know what it is about things from Alberta... Having Ieener here is, obviously, the height of the awesome. Having Edmonton win another game to keep the hopes alive is, obviously, awesome. Having Cricket to look forward to in July and August on is, obviously, awesome. Having lots of money, wealth, power and Conservatism... do I really need to say it? Awesome.

And Colin's out there too.

In short, my toasts lately have been "To all things Albertan" and I beg all the reasons for such to continue. Let's go Oil!!

EDIT: Ecuador!! 3-0! Let's go Argentina... you're up next!

A Night in Dildo - The Arrogant Worms

My normal strategy for choosing a picture to match my song title/post theme/whatever is to type in a couple of the key words into Google Image search. This I was not going to do this time, for a simple discussion of... my God... I can't even write the word... A simple discussion of battery-operated female pleasure enhancers sent me skittering out of the PoliSci office to the (apparently) neverending amusement of Ms.'s Grimmer and Livingstone.

In any case... Instead of Argentina or Australia... my two 9-letter A___a options that I'd originally considered this summer, I'm going to be hitting up the tropical island of Newfoundland. I mean, hey, Newfoundland is reknowned for their love of Ontarians... and their gorgeous, sun-splashed afternoons... and their, y'know, culture and stuff. On the other hand, they are holding onto Labrador just to piss of Quebec and that I can idenfity with.

So the plan is to combine many of the things I enjoy the most in one trip of uber-awesome: arguing, short streets named after British kings, recreating that Perfect Storm movie, only while counting fish, sports named after insects and being in the middle of nowhere. (For those keeping score at home, in chronological order: debate tournament, George St. Festival, marine biology field work on a boat, Cricket and ... being in the middle of nowhere - Grand Falls pretty well qualifies.)

So... from some time in late mid-July to pretty well the end of the month, I'm going to be feasting on salt cod... wait. I'm just getting a memo... scratch the cod. I'm going to be enjoying fine, strong, Newfoundland rum... wait. Im just getting a memo... scratch the enjoyment. Well... in any case. Newfoundland, Canada's greatest province, she awaits! Only an estimated 36 days left until I land! Woot!

Oh! Quick shout-outs: Argentina, Australia, Czechs, Ecuador - good wins. Trinidad and Tobago, nice tie. Angola - can't you even FIND the other end of the pitch?

When I'm Up I Can't Get Down - Great Big Sea

Today? Great day. GREAT day. Amazing day. I'm-so-pumped-I-can-fly kind of day.

First of all, I succesfully did something technical. I installed the odometer on my bike correctly. I can now trace distance with accuracy, calories burned and other exciting things. This contrasts nicely with when I tried to create my bookshelf unit, and of the 7 different incorrect ways to put it together, I did SIX of them before stumbling onto the one correct way. Truly, my education is becoming complete. The best line about the shelving, according to my mom, was when I muttered "This thing was designed for chimps, and I STILL can't do it."

So follow that up with heading into work - in theory - where I quickly depart for lunch. Not only is lunch bought for me (Thanks Ange!) but my best friend from first year, and one of the guys who's responsible for keeping me a happy person, Ian Breneman is IN Subway! He's now here for the summer. That ALONE would have made for a helluva day. The picture is of us in Montreal in first year... we both have more hair now. His on his chin, mine sprouting from my brain case.

But is that the end? Oh hells no! Next step: post office. TWO PACKAGES! This is Christmas, birthday, Hannukah and National Day of the Potato all rolled into one. The first package is a t-shirt and congrats card from my family, allowing me to be decked out in style for the World Cup (Viva Argentina! And Ole Angola!) . 2nd package is one of two eBay videos I bought, the highlights tape from the 1992 World Series. I just watched it, and fell back in love with the Jays teams of the early 90s allll ovvverr again.

Then, after the video, I log onto the net and international sports take over. WorldCup? 2-0 Ecuador over Poland! Germany wins 4-2! Both teams I ostensibly like win. I must admit... every year as the World Cup draws around, Toronto completely falls for the sports of the wall: soccer, cricket, biking... whatever. It all becomes part of it.

Finally, to wrap it all up in a nice Pink (Aerosmith) bow, I'm off to the Library Pub for dinner with Ange, Leah and Dave to celebrate/commiserate thesising. Woohoo for first drinks since... man... since Ange's friendy Aynsley was here. Ange really IS the female Colin.

In summary: bike computer, Ieener, TWO packages, soccer and cricket and dinner out. Yee. Freakin' Haw!

Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Traditional

Santa: Ho Ho Ho, boys and girls! And what do you want for Christmas?
Stupid Kid: Santa... Why are there THREE of you?
Santa: *long silence* Do you want anything for Christmas BESIDES being put through a plate glass window?
Stupid Kid: ... umm... I'd like the Oilers to win the Cup?
Santa: Perhaps.
Stupid Kid: I'd like a Jays victory?
Santa: Easy enough. They ARE playing Baltimore... how does 6-4 sound?
Stupid Kid: Sure. And... 3rd wish for the 3rd Santa...
Santa: (to himself... Greedy little bastard, ain't he?)
Stupid Kid: Peace and love for all?
Santa: *surprised* Sure.
Stupid Kid: And me in specific?
Santa: We'll see.

How Funky is your Chicken? - The Jackson 5

As part of my never-ending quest to develop a stomach that would make David Hasselhoff jealous instead of David Wells, I've been moving towards a healthier regimen. This has included biking (170km so far, well below the respectable total of 330 posted by Crick), squash (I sit at 2-0 against Kevin) and tennis (I sit at 0-3 against Kenny).

Next step is cutting out the cheeseburgers. I have to admit... ground meats that contain no named part of the animal and make most vegetarians near suicidal are my cocaine. Only with more harmful side effects. So say good-bye to those delicious burgers with the processed cheesefood filling... au revoir Mr. Johnsville and your delightful honey garlic bratwurst... toodles to the charming No-Name pizza pockets that contain meat-like items.

Instead, it's the discount produce section - $7.26 for 16oz of button mushrooms, 1 green pepper, 1 red pepper, 8 plum tomatoes, 6 apples, 1 green Tomato that I thought was a Granny Smith apple and some funky lettuce-wrap crossbreed dealies - and hello boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Dinner tonight was baked chicken with diced tomato wrapped in lettuce and drizzled with a bit of Ranch dressing, along with some sliced tomato. And a banana for dessert.

Next step: 16km round trip bike to New Minas, another attempt at 8 Minute Abs - long live 80s spandex-clad instructers - and then a nice collapse into bed so Im ready for my 6am bike ride tomorrow.

Oh? And my thesis? That little thing that SHOULD be my focus? Meh.... maybe later.

EDIT: That chicken picture freaks the ever-loving crap out of me. Im keeping it up out of fear that if I don't, I may incur it's wrath.

Bittersweet Dirt off your Shoulder - Jay-Z & The Verve

After I unleashed a profanity laced tirade at the administration that was triggered by, among other things, the expected delay in the posting of the Dean's List... they posted it at precisely midnight on the 31st of May/1st of June juncture. This means I owe them a grudging, but fair, apology. So administration - you have been granted a stay of execution. Well played.

And for those keeping score at home, did I make the Dean's List? Hells. Yes.

And I've also discovered the greatest song trend in the history of the universe. This makes the Beatles look like the Bangles and ABBA like Aqua. It's called 'mash-ups'.

I'm sure that 90% of you (so... what, 5 people) have heard of these before. I, on the other hand, have not. Effectively, take two songs - often of different styles - and mix them together. It's like a remix or a sample in many cases, but sometimes they blend the lyrics as well and it makes for d*mn fine listening. Examples:

Nelly and Lynard Skynyrd: Sweet Home Country Grammar
Missy Elliott and George Michales: Get Ur Faith On
Green Day, Oasis and Aerosmith: Boulevard of Broken Songs (w/ Wonderwall and Dream On)
Nelly and Green Day: Country Basket
Jay-Z and The Verve: Bittersweet Dirt off your Shoulder

Oh: And (18km biking + morning illness + apple juice)/Nicole being fast on a bike = Ugh. Go Math.

Let the Rain Come Down - Hilary Duff

First, The Shawshank Redemption is an awesome movie, and the second I thought of my title, I knew exactly what image I wanted to accompany it.

Second - courtesy of allergies, Cricket and general mental distraction I was still up at around 3:30 this morning. Ergo, when Jackson banged on my door at 11:45 or so this 'morning', I was still out like a light. Once I'd attempted the cunning tactic of nervously saying 'Hello' and looking longingly at my length of wooden dowling to scare off who/whatever wanted me, I realized it wasn't actually a demon coming to collect.

It was only slightly more bizarre.

Jackson was keen on being out in the rain, so I threw on my swim trunks and a tshirt and we wandered up - through the only slightly less than torrential downpour - to the resevoir to go swimming in full clothing. She had on a long-sleeved sweater, long pants and shoes. I was more intelligently(ish) dressed in the aforemention plus sandals and my emo glasses. We even swang by Angela's on the way back to say hi, but she was out. Psssh... how dare she have a life.

So now that the rain has come down and washed out most of the worries that were wandering around, I'm feeling clean and happy. Not quite at the same freedom-induced-euphoria level of my good buddy Andy up there, but happy nonetheless.

Rip it Up - Little Richard

And now for something entirely different:

Dear Acadia University;

You're a good school. I like you. I enjoy the profs that I've had; I enjoy the Dell laptops, even though most don't; I enjoyed the residence experience; for God's sake, I even looked forward to going to Meal Hall.

I am about to declare utter war on the administration.

First, your salaries. They've bagged more zeroes than an ugly football player at the Vil on a Friday night. For the most part, the administration at this school appears to have the same function as the Canadian Senate: justifying their own existence.

Secondly, the so-called 'Strategic Plan' - where the only strategy that appears to have been imposed is to embitter faculty and create imaginary 'centres', with no real explanation of exactly what they add to our campus.

Third, the moronic ideas about 'community values' that are taking away from real academia may impress the same idiots who think that moving to Fair Trade Coffee and having gas-giant and enviro-villian Irving build us an Environmental Science Centre makes us forward-thinking and community-friendly, when really all it means is that we get a huge building with leather freaking chairs and can charge an extra 50 cents for hot caffiene.

Fourth, increased and continued inefficiency! I understand that there's about to be a new position hired to have primary responsibility for the leadership and management of the residence life programme". Holy hellfuck, its almost like James Sanford's job! Oh! Wait! IT IS JAMES SANFORD'S JOB! So I have a great idea, why not just ensure he's doing it and NOT spend $90 000 more on another upper-class idiot who couldn't find their ass with an atlas (though I admit, that's actually pretty tough.)
Fourth, the second - I refer you to the Dean's List. If you have a rhesus monkey who's ever looked at Microsoft Excel's welcome screen then it takes 34 seconds to rank and display the students by marks in each faculty. Since all marks were due in fucking late April - more than am month ago - you now know who the top 5% are. Oh! And you said it'd be up in late May. Well - newsflash! It's June 1st. The last time I checked, we're still running the fucking 12 month calander where they don't mesh together into some kind of bureaucratic wetdream of ever-extending months and missed deadlines. So what do you do instead? Put up an explanation? Fire someone? Even an apology? Hell, I'd settle for a RECOGNITION and an evil laugh - but no, you just casually change the date to June 7 as if that's what it had always been.

Finally, you continue to act as if you've got students at heart while systematically neutralizing and demeaning them. I've sat on the fucking committees. I had the CHAIR of the committee nitpick at my grammar in open session, and fire petty personal insults. If I wanted THAT, I'd just hang out with Leah, Angela and Colin more and not give a damn about trying to help you remove the size 12 shoe you've stuck into your size 10 mouth with the Learning Commons.

You know what? That's it. Jihad on you. As one of my profs, and the Arrogant Worms, and even the Bloodhound Gang said, it's time to light U-Hall on fire and watch it burn down again. And I don't care if it's made of stone. Napalm works just fine.

Sincerely,
Chris Rivers
SRC Arts Rep
Official Admin Critic of the Ath (self-titled)

Take it Easy - The Eagles

For anyone who's ever experienced the pleasures of scuba-diving or snorkelling, they know it can be an awesome, awesome time. There's bright colours, exotic fishies, lots of coral and occasionally other blundering tourists as lost as you are. It's an entirely different world.

One thing about snorkelling that I remember from Australia, though, was the terrifying feeling when all of a sudden I found myself under a ledge, a little bit unsure of exactly where the surface was and whether or not I still had enough air to make it. To make matters worse, I came face to face with a bright red fish over 5 feet long that kept me from being able to move in any direction I felt like.

In the end, since Im writing this, the worst that happened was that I was given a short scare and vowed to be a little more careful in the future. Yet, as we all know, I don't learn ANYthing the easy way and was soon back below the surface, and again watching the ocean close around me. Look at the pretty colours... keep an eye on the surfa... pretty colours.